Just thought I’d quickly blog before bed. It’s 10:33 pm.
Friday wasn’t very pleasant so I’ll skip that. Saturday, we picked up Rosey from her house and went to McLean day with my mom and our friend Ava (Aava?). It was fun, we ate food and walked around and got candy and went on a couple rides, saw some people, walked around more and it was just my favorite McLean Day ever. Rosey then came over and I didn’t go to my moms award ceremony (which I feel bad about now) and we watched YouTube videos, certain parts or Sweeney Todd, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Purl, ate more food, played around and talked. I had a particularly wonderful time.
Sunday we awoke around 7, rushed to get ready and went to DC for my mothers Graduation. Let me tell you, it is not easy to have a mom who went to school full time (and during a long period of time within her studies, worked full time) because you really feel like you never see her. Especially if you’re father also works from morning to late night. It was hard but I edited her essays, did homework with her, assisted her in every possible way, and tried really hard to get through it. I am so beyond proud of her you don’t even understand. She’s perfect in every possible aspect of fashion design. Her dresses, the designs, the detail, the work she puts into it. It’s just perfect. I love her.
My cousins came over after and we had a good time as usual. We bought my mom a cake and balloon an surprised her.
I think for today, I’ll blog in Rosey’s way.
1. You look, talk, and treat me like I’m nothing. Who the fuck do you think you are? You’re not better than me in any possible way and you need to stop thinking you are.
2. I’m really glad we became friends this year. All three of you. You’re just wonderful.
3. Started writing our children’s book. Bubbles are awesome man.
4. I like this unit. The waves and light and sound. It interests me.
5. Worked more on our project. It’s going to be just perfect. Perfect.
6. Worked on math as usual. Josh is funny. I prefer sitting near him than other Josh. Also, she gave us homework last week and she counted it as a quiz! I didn’t know so I skipped one problem I didn’t understand and it was -10 points. I got fucking 78%. She said since everyone failed she’ll give us another one and average them but even if I get 100, I’ll still have an 89. Not good enough! That was actually mean though.
7. I actually love civics. For some reason, period 7 is so much better than 3. 3 has more annoying people.
Stayed after with my unicorn in a civics review party where we had snacks and reviewed for the sol. I taught Rosey some stuff they never learned and she was happy.
I’ll finish this tomorrow lol I’m tired and have to wake up
In the end, it will not be a knife or a bullet that kills me. I will not die of old age or cancer. I will die and all you will have to blame is me. Because these thoughts will kill me and its my fault for thinking them. I’m not afraid of much; I’m not afraid of death or love or hell. I am afraid of my loved ones dying, I’m afraid of never being enough for you, and I am terrified of my own mind.
That’s the one reason I always hated being alone. I always tell my family “I’m fourteen, you don’t need to not go somewhere just because I’ll be alone.” But then anytime I am alone, I find myself desperately wishing or their return. I call them and ask when they’ll come home, hiding the craving for their company in my voice. I hate eating alone and I hate go anywhere alone. I don’t want to go to Safeway even for 5 minutes without someone by my side. I’m not afraid of getting kidnapped or killed. I’m afraid of what will happen within my mind while I’m left alone.
And when my thoughts kill me, I only hope that you don’t blame. Don’t blame me, don’t blame my thoughts, don’t blame yourself and don’t blame him. If you MUST blame, blame the showers and walks and washing dishes and midnights in bed when I can’t fall asleep. Because that’s when it happens the most.
And as for you my love, I’m sorry. I really am. I honestly was wrong I’m every possible way and I’m sorry. I admit, I should not have said any of those things. And I SWEAR, I was NOT mocking you or your blog in any possible way. I SWEAR! I’m sorry, I mean I can’t take back what I said but I can tell you that I was stupid and not a very good friend. I think I should try to explain though. Whine I see someone in pain, for some reason, I have an instinct to try and help them. Especially if they’re my best friend. I’m sorry. When I read your blog and saw the pain, I got thought that said to me “there is this person hurting who I see everyday and I talk to all the time and she doesn’t tell me anything about it.” It kills me that I can’t help and it kills me that I don’t understand you. But I do understand at least PART of what you’re going through and I want you to know you’re not alone. I am here. I get what you mean when you say I’m a hypocrite. I am. But it’s like … I have someone to talk to and it SEEMED like you didn’t. And that’s why it killed me. Because I’m here but you still feel like you don’t have anyone. I know you said you have her but its like…when I read your blog post, you were letting it all out and you had so much to let out because you had no one to say it to. I’m not saying I’m right. There’s a HUGE chance I’m wrong. I just wanted you to know and I wanted to TRY and explain.
On a different note, I know that you used to cut yourself and I am SO UNBELIEVABLY glad that you don’t anymore. But cutting and watching your best friend cut herself are very different things. I sat there at home and I had to watch you cry and laugh and cut your arm and bleed and it misled me inside because I couldn’t do a fucking thing to stop it. I couldn’t take it away from you and I couldn’t wipe the tears. Even if there was something I could say or do, I had no idea what it was. It killed me inside because I didn’t know how I could possibly help. Yes, I went to a counselor and yes I kind of helped you stop. But in that moment that I saw you do it and I felt like the most hopeless person on the planet because there wasn’t A THING that I could do. To watch your best friend who was always there for you harm herself was such a bad moment in my life simply because I can’t forget it. It haunts me. That scene keeps playing in my mind. I’m sorry. I love you and I hope that you’re in my life forever.